Things may not have played out like we thought.
But I did love you, and you will always hold a place in my heart.
Dear The Only Girl I Ever Loved,
You know who you are, I don’t need to say it, but I will,
Dear Darius, formally known as Rhyannon,
You were the first friend I ever made when I moved to Canada, and I loved you for that. You were by my side, and helped me adapt to this new strange place. You were so kind to me, so friendly, so warm and inviting. Within days we became the best of friends, and I loved you more. We were glued to the hip, no one and nothing could separate us. We did everything together, including share a bed at sleepovers. I remember how it felt, sleeping next to you, hearing you breathe. I felt safe and warm.
But I also felt confused. I had never felt like this towards a woman before. I’ve always been able to appreciate attractive women. I’ve also been able to be turned on by a woman, and have sex with her. But those feelings weren’t even close to how I felt for you.
No, I didn’t want to just lay you down and turn each other on until we both reached climax (or pretended we did). I wanted so much more than that.
I’ve never been in love with a woman before. These feelings were so strange and new to me, but also fascinating and beautiful. I wanted nothing more than to explore them, to be with you. To be your girlfriend.
As we progressed through school, we became closer. I didn’t know it was possible for us to get any closer than we already were, but somehow it happened. It was almost like we became one person. We couldn’t go a day, an hour, without talking to each other. As each day came and went, my feelings for you grew stronger. I was truly falling in love with you. And, although we were so close, somehow I couldn’t tell you how I felt. I was so afraid of ruining the beautiful friendship we had created. So instead of opening up to you, I kept them locked inside me, deep down. I even tried to deny my feelings, but I couldn’t. Each time I tried, they would rise up and bite me, just to let me know they were still there.
Our friendship was ridiculous, on top of beautiful.
We loved creating trouble together, as teenagers do. I remember sneaking tiny bottles of alcohol, and getting barely drunk off of this horrible tasting stuff. But, every time I looked at you and saw you smile, the bitter horrible alcoholic taste turned sweet and addicting. I wanted more, not of the booze, but of you. I almost told you that night, while we were sprawled out on the basement floor, laughing about sneaking the alcohol and giggling about literally everything. But I couldn’t find the guts to tell you. I wanted to kiss you so badly that night, but I stopped myself, and instead made some stupid comment about how bad the alcohol tasted.
On top of trouble, we were there for each other, through thick and thin. You were there for me when I went through horrible abuse from the men I dated, and I was there for you through your troubles too. We sat and had spouts of depression together, yet, at our worst, we still managed to make each other smile. Whenever you smiled, it made my heart want to explode. I just wanted to gently outline the curve of your lips so that I could remember them forever.
As most friends do, we had fights here and there, and went through periods of not talking. And when that happened, my heart broke. All I wanted to do was run up to you and hug you and apologize for anything and everything. I couldn’t stand being away from you. I felt like part of me was missing.
But we always made up at some point or another. We always went back to being the best of friends. And I’m glad about that. All I wanted was for you to be happy, and to be with me, even if it wasn’t on the level I wanted.
Do you remember all those nights we spent together gaming and getting in trouble for laughing too loud? I do, and I miss those nights terribly. Do you remember singing badly together? Laughing at how bad the other was and sarcastically saying we had a record coming out? I miss those times. I miss the laughter. I miss the tears.
I miss you.
Remember the night we stayed up for hours playing a horror game? A horrible scream came out from the computer and a jump scare took over the scream. You were so focused on not dying, that you didn’t notice I had fallen backwards out of my chair. You turned around once it was safe and couldn’t stop laughing at me as I rolled on the floor trying to get up.
I think this picture you took was taken a few moments before that when I specifically said this game wasn’t stressing me out with its jump scares. You tried to tell me I was wrong, but I looked you in the eyes and told you I wasn’t scared. I lied.
I know I did things wrong, I f*cked up, I could have done things so differently, and maybe we would have worked out. But a night of black out drinking and mistakes lead to you leaving, and eventually, moving away. I don’t blame you for leaving that morning. But know I missed you and thought about you every single day. I longed for you to be back home with me. I messaged you every now and then, trying to see how you were, and you didn’t respond. I don’t blame you. I blame myself, every single day.
We recently connected again, and I couldn’t be happier. When you messaged me, I felt my heart explode with joy. You came out as transsexual, and I’m so delighted you’re finally happy and taking steps towards the person you wish to be. I support you 10000000000000000000000000000000% on your choices and decisions. I still do love you, I believe the universe wants us in each other’s lives. As friends, best friends or more, it wants us together. We are working on building our friendship back up, and honestly, I’ve had so much fun talking to you again. I remember everything I loved about you, and I still love those things about you.
The last time I saw you, you were Rhyannon. You’ve been Rhyannon for the nine years I’ve known you, so even though I completely support you in becoming Darius, I’m going to f*ck up your name or gender every now and then. Be patient with me while I get used to Darius.
I don’t care what gender you are, I still have love for you, and you still have a place in my heart and soul. Are friend soulmates a thing? Because I feel that describes what we are.
I’m writing this partly as an apology, partly to get my feelings out, but mostly to let you know how I felt for years (and how much I still love you). I don’t know if you’ll read this or not, but if you do, thank you for coming back into my life. Thank you for giving me another chance. I can’t wait to make more memories with you, and you bet your a*s I will blog about them.
Thank you for being you.
I love you.